Week 5 Power Rankings: Training Data Suggests You're Ass

Better late than never. The Wetness Academy is back in session, so strap up and strap in for the #WAIST2026. You feel that chill in the air? It’s not the autumn breeze, it’s the ghosts of draft day decisions past returning to haunt you this spooky season.

Tier 1: Wagons

Tuz Time (3-1)

Tuz Time (133.50) steamrolled 1st & 69 by 47.2 and sits atop the league at 3-1.

Kyren Williams (31.70) was the star, and he was Kyren the whole offense: 16 carries for 80 yards and two scores, plus 10 catches for 67 more. Puka Nacua (23.20) added nine catches for 125 and a rushing touchdown, and a Puka shell this good belongs around the neck of a champion. Sam LaPorta (18.40) chipped in eight for 84 and a score.

D'Andre Swift (6.40) was not very Swift. Fifteen carries for 58 yards and a lost fumble is the kind of day that makes you wonder if the ball is slippery or the hands are.

The NYG Caliphate (2-2)

The NYG Caliphate (133.48) came up two hundredths of a point short of the top score of the week, which is the most painful margin possible, but it did beat The Second Bower by 10 and moved to 2-2.

Kenneth Walker III (30.40) ran for 177 yards and two touchdowns on 22 carries. That's a Walker in the park and a sprint through the secondary. Jonathan Taylor (22.20) rushed for 95 and two scores of his own, and Tee Higgins (21.20) caught 11 passes for 157 yards, which makes the receiving corps Higgins-ing out all over the field.

Rashee Rice (0.00) was injured and sat out, and the Caliphate still left him in the lineup. That's no yards, no catches, and no Rice on the plate, which is a lot less appetizing than it sounds. Still, a 133-point week with a goose egg at WR2 says plenty about this roster's depth.

BDN (3-1)

BDN (131.92) beat Bom Blaughlin by 16.7 and sits at 3-1. They're not flashy, but they keep winning, and the rest of the league is starting to resent it.

Javonte Williams (28.80) ran for three touchdowns and was pure Williams in the end zone. Joe Burrow (25.72) threw for 428 yards and two picks, which is Burrow-ing a hole in the opposing secondary and then falling in it himself. Chuba Hubbard (25.40) rushed for 122 and two scores.

DJ Moore (2.20) caught one pass for 11 yards, so DJ Moore was DJ Less. Ja'Marr Chase (4.20) wasn't much better, but he did enough to avoid the dig. Only one receiver gets roasted at a time.

Tier 2: In the mix

They've hit the second Bower (2-2)

They've hit the second Bower (123.52) put up a huge score and still lost to the Caliphate by 10, which makes them the unluckiest team in the league this week.

Brock Bowers (17.60) was the high scorer: six catches for 86 and a touchdown on 11 targets. The Bowers take a deep bow. DK Metcalf (14.00) hung 115 yards on five catches, and Derrick Henry (14.90) carried 23 times for 73 yards and a score, a classic Henry the Eighth performance.

Garrett Wilson (4.20) caught three passes for 27 yards. That's a Jets receiver for you.

And the bench stings. Jalen Hurts (13.52) sat while Daniel Jones (8.92) started, and Isaiah Likely (10.10) sat on the bench too. Slot in both and it works out to about 10.4 points, enough to flip a 10-point loss. A bench Bowering out of the lineup is no way to run a team.

The Blitzy Boys (3-1)

The Blitzy Boys (119.88) beat Trevor by 8.4 and stay 3-1. They're a quiet, steady team and they're where the top of the standings is heading.

Alvin Kamara (20.30) was the star: two rushing touchdowns and five catches for 35, which is a Kamara-derie of production. Quinshon Judkins (18.60) added 53 yards and a score on the ground and six catches for 43, and Michael Wilson (13.00) caught seven for 95 on 13 targets.

Tyler Warren (6.60) caught five for 41 yards. It's a lot of catches for not a lot of Warren-ty on the scoreboard.

Team RAMROD (2-2)

Team RAMROD put up a respectable 116.02 points, but the team dropped a heartbreaker to OverCooked by 4.34, and one lineup decision made the difference.

Romeo Doubs (20.80) was the star of the week. Six catches, 58 yards, and two touchdowns on nine targets. He was Doubs-ly good, and he's the best waiver pickup of the season so far.

Josh Allen (19.52) threw for 253 yards and added a passing score and a rushing score. The one interception only kept things Buff-ering. Chase Brown (13.60) had the strangest line of the week: nine carries for 10 yards, then 11 catches for 71. For one week he was a very expensive slot receiver, and he still came out Brown-ing the competition.

George Holani (2.50) was the hole in the lineup. Seven carries for 18 yards and a lone two-yard catch is not an RB2 line, it's a rounding error. It was a Holani-day, just not the fun kind.

And that's the one that stings. Woody Marks sat on the bench and scored 8.20. Start him over Holani and Team RAMROD wins by 1.36 instead of losing by 4.34. Consider this one Marked down as a lesson.

Bom Blaughlin (2-2)

Bom Blaughlin (115.18) lost to BDN by 16.7, and the cause was sitting on the bench.

Bijan Robinson (27.20) was the star: 145 yards and two touchdowns on 19 carries. He is the Bijan of the bunch. Chris Olave (15.60) caught eight for 116, and Rhamondre Stevenson (16.90) added a score and 47 yards.

Travis Kelce (2.50) caught two for 15 yards. He can keep the rings and the pop star, but the fantasy points are another story.

The bench is the real culprit. Drake Maye (27.16) put up three touchdowns while Kyler Murray (11.48) started, and Malik Nabers (20.20) had 112 yards and a score. Maye alone would have cut the gap to a point, and add Nabers and it's a win. A Maye-be next week kind of situation.

Go Birds (3-1)

Go Birds (113.70) beat RIP Chargers by 26.2 and moved to 3-1, though the win owes plenty to the opponent scoring 87.48.

Zay Flowers (21.80) was the high scorer: eight catches for 118 and a touchdown. He was Flowers in full bloom. Patrick Mahomes (17.00) threw two touchdowns, and George Kittle (15.00) caught four for 70 and a score.

Parker Washington (1.50) caught one pass for 7 yards, and somehow Go Birds still won. He barely Parkered in the right zip code.

Tier 3: Ass

OverCooked (1-3)

OverCooked (120.36) beat Team RAMROD by 4.34 for their first win of the season, which moves them to 1-3. The score was good, but the record says "Ass".

Nico Collins (27.30) was the star: seven catches for 118 yards and two touchdowns, a dish that's Collins for a feast. Emanuel Wilson (25.50) ran for 81 and a score and caught another for a second touchdown, and James Cook III (15.30) added 75 yards and a score.

Courtland Sutton (0.90) caught one pass for 4 yards on six targets. That's a lot of targets for a Sutton disaster.

Trevor had a Little Lamb (2-2)

Trevor had a Little Lamb (111.48) lost to the Blitzy Boys by 8.4 and is stuck at 2-2. The bench was the story.

CeeDee Lamb (32.80) was one of the best performances in the league: 17 catches for 189 yards and a touchdown on 21 targets. He was Lamb of God out there. Rome Odunze (12.40) caught six for 94, and Mark Andrews (11.20) caught a touchdown.

Josh Downs (3.10) caught three for 16 yards, which is as far down as it gets for this lineup.

On the bench, Brian Robinson (25.20) scored three touchdowns while TreVeyon Henderson (4.20) started. Robinson alone wins this matchup by about 12 points. C.J. Stroud (23.08) threw for 347 on the bench, too. A Little Lamb indeed.

Tier 4: Hella Ass

RIP Chargers (1-3)

RIP Chargers (87.48) lost to Go Birds by 26.2 and have one win all season.

Jahmyr Gibbs (15.70) was the star on the team: 46 yards and a score on the ground and four catches for 31. Aaron Jones (14.80) ran for 94, and Jameson Williams (13.20) caught six for 102.

DeVonta Smith (0.00) was injured and didn't play, and RIP Chargers still started him. That left a hole in the lineup, and the roster went to Smith-ereens.

1st & 69 (0-4)

1st & 69 (86.28) lost to Tuz Time by 47.2 and is the only winless team at 0-4.

Tetairoa McMillan (38.20) was the highest scorer in the entire league this week: 14 catches for 192 yards and two touchdowns on 16 targets. He did it all for the worst team in the league, which is almost impressive. Jared Goff (20.48) threw for 412 yards and a touchdown, and the rest of the roster still couldn't Goff-ord to keep up.

De'Von Achane (0.00) and Dallas Goedert (0.00) were both injured and out, and both were in the starting lineup. Two zeros are a lot of lineup slots to throw away, and it's no coincidence 1st & 69 is 0-4.